


Distorting My Love

by HPFandom_archivist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Gen, M/M, Out of Character, Sexual Content, Slash, Spoilers, Tragedy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-08-17
Updated: 2005-08-17
Packaged: 2018-09-30 10:24:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,160
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10161104
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HPFandom_archivist/pseuds/HPFandom_archivist
Summary: Tonks looks back on the relationship she had shared with Remus and how things changed.Tonks/Remus, Remus/Harry, pre Snape/TonksContains HBP Spoilers





	

**Author's Note:**

> Note from SeparatriX, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [HP Fandom](http://fanlore.org/wiki/HP_Fandom_\(archive\)), which was closed for health and financial reasons. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in August 2016. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [HP Fandom collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/hpfandom/profile).

**Harry Potter belongs to JK Rowling, no money is being made by this**

His hand was clammy in mine and I felt as though my heart would explode inside my chest it was beating so fast. I had never thought for a moment that he would turn to me, that my love could be returned. He had been so adamant in his rejection, his excuses were carefully thought out and then he pushed them all away. He came to me the night before Dumbledore’s funeral, his knock on my door hesitant and I almost slept through it. I held him in my arms as he wept and when I pressed my lips to his he tensed for but a moment and then opened up to me. 

I was not a fool but for that first night. I was not blind to the way he flinched when I caressed his cheek, to the way his eyes stared at a spot above my shoulder, to how he never initiated a kiss. Remus was lonely and I was there. 

The War was hard on all of us, we were running around trying in vain to come up with plans. We were so lost without Albus. I was afraid that He would win, that all the deaths would be for nothing. Remus grew quieter; he sat in the library at Headquarters, his cheeks becoming hollow, his eyes empty. I was afraid to ask what he thought of as he sat there. Was he thinking about Sirius?

Rumors had always floated around the two of them. Sirius had been a womanizer in school but Remus was the one person he always made time for. They clung to each other even more so after Azkaban. They were the only ones who could control each other. One word from Remus and Sirius would calm down. It was part of what drew me to him; I wanted someone to have that kind of power over me.

The Order was falling apart, in only two months after his death people began to scatter. Those who we had depended on fled. We needed a leader and then Harry stepped in. There are times when I sit here and think about that boy, how brave he was. He reminded us so much of Dumbledore but for the eyes, they lacked the twinkle.

It was amazing, his mind, his power we were in awe of him. We followed him through Hell and he made damn sure that we made it through. Remus changed, his eyes became focused and he thrived under the pressure. Harry needed him, turned to him for guidance when he was unsure.

I changed for him and I don’t mean my personality. I remember that night even better than our first time together. His cheeks were flushed and there was a fire in those honey eyes when he entered my room. Remus was, up until that moment, the only man to not ask me to physically change for sex. I loved him; I love him so I gave him what he desired. He was so passionate and possessive. He left marks all over my flesh, bit into my neck as he howled his release. 

Brilliant green eyes stared back at me in the mirror. I had shortened my hair, black strands stuck out all over the place, ruffled from our frenzied activities. My face was thinner, my mouth different and it took but a brief second to recognize him. I had to squint to really get the whole picture, but there he was. 

I threw up.

I threw up every time. I would sneak out of our room that we had started sharing and hide in the bathroom. Sit on the cold tile floor with my knees pulled up to my chest and stare at the image of my distorted version of Harry in the mirror. 

 

In a few weeks he began only touching me when I was different. It hurt to know that he wasn’t looking at me like that, that he didn’t see me when he sweetly touched my face. I could only swallow my pride for so long. I pushed him away, in truth I screamed at him, slapped his face, and called him a monster. It had been too much when he had rolled over away from me when I had tried to kiss him with my real lips.

I only let one tear fall when I saw them together. I pressed my face in the small space of the door I had opened just a crack. They were beautiful together. 

Remus knelt before Harry in the very chair he had sat for so long. Harry’s hands held Remus’s head, guiding his movements. That face that had been my own for so long was flushed, his lips parted, those green eyes gazed at Remus. 

Whimpers, whispered curses filled my ears. Harry gasped and Remus’s name echoed off the walls as he spilt inside that mouth I had kissed and mapped out with my tongue. They kissed, hands I knew so well cupped Harry’s reddened face, I could see flashes of tongue as they devoured each other. I ached for that mouth. 

I am not ashamed to say that there were moments during the War when I wanted to see him hurt, to see the precious blood of our savior spilt all over the floor. I didn’t want him to die, I just wanted him to get injured, nothing too life threatening.

We won. I survived the War without a scratch. I took down Lucius Malfoy with a smile on my face. Snape killed Bellatrix, pushed me out of the way when he saw her curse fly toward me. Berated me for two hours afterward about letting my guard down. Snarky bastard.

Now here I stand, robes pulled tight around me as I watch them. Beautiful.

“I know a spell that causes temporary blindness. It would be a blessing I’m sure.” 

“Wotcher Snape.” 

“Never figured Potter for a poof. Now Lupin...”

“Watch it Snape. I’m surprised you showed up. Severus Snape all cleaned up and attending Remus Lupin and Harry Potter’s commitment ceremony.”

I am torturing my poor lip as I watch them dance. Harry is resting his head on Remus’s shoulder his waist encircled by Remus’s strong arms. This hurts, I don’t know what I was thinking when I told Remus I would come.

“Tonks, may I request a dance?” Cool fingers touch my hand and I allow it. I can’t recall how long it has been since someone touched me. 

“Not turning into a romantic are you Snape?”

Snape grunts and slips his fingers between mine. “Do attempt to not break too many of my toes.” I almost laugh. His arm slips around my waist and I sit my chin on his shoulder. I glance again at them. Remus looks back, he seems to glow. My lips move and form my silent word, “bye.”


End file.
